Today was a less dark day. When I say dark – death hovers over me like a ghost. I don’t believe in actual ghosts as an independent spiritual entity that follows one about but more like a mood that feels outside of yourself. Hovering behind your shoulder. Some mood you try to throw away from inside but it just follows you everywhere you go. Yeah, that feeling …was gone today. I only thought of Penny in memory of her antics and not how I last found her. That was a start.
I cleaned items yesterday and a few more today. Her damask print food bowl and her custom quilted hammocks today were hard because I looked at them and think – how could I put these in a future Syrian’s cage one day? They are Penny’s!
As much time passes I think I won’t feel so possessive on behalf of Penny. In fact I’m sure Penny could care less! Alive or gone. But still I have these thoughts!
Yesterday, was one of those days when I wasn’t sure if I would really say anything about her passing. But then I just did it. I was in a blur of mania yesterday. Pretty much I was trying to remain busy in the mind. Writing up and posting pictures and the status update on my Facebook and such – the responses here and there on FB were very, very helpful. Very comforting. Just knowing that people cared about me and also others that ALSO cared about Penny despite not having met her in person – was such a good warm fuzzy.
As of today all my other hams are healthy and happy. Acting like their normal selves. Bob is a WEE bit more withdrawn than usual but I think it’s because he no longer smells a female hamster nearby. He wasn’t nearly as active until I brought home Penny. Much of his energy I think was the maleness in him figuring out how to find his lady love. He must wonder why the scent is no longer there so abruptly. 😦
I have to fight off the temptation of bringing home a new Syrian. This is because at this time I am over capacity to begin with. With all these pets I realize I’ve over extended myself a bit. That I have plenty of hams left. So, there isn’t really a need to stretch my affections and time even more taut. And I would like to find a breeder. A legit one. I would like to try to veer away from Pet shop pets. I cannot help but believe her ill health is directly resulted from bad and inhumane breeding. This isn’t a promise. I might never find a breeder in my area that is educated on genetics and has pure blood lines they are working with. But it is something that being such I have more time on my hands ..that I have time to wait …I can begin looking out for that.
Also, I want a rabbit. And not building up my hamster population again would be smart because I want a lot of time to devote to a rabbit!
So, yes, a rush to fill the hole that Penny left is something I fight. For all the logical reasons. And really, another hamster just to love is wonderful. But a hamster so quickly ONLY to replace her? That is a road to disappointment and regret. I could never replace her. She was too different and unique. Leaving big paw prints to fill.
My blog will be taking a new direction for awhile I think. I have come here since yesterday with change on the mind. I made a few more tactful changes to what I have to say about some things on my pages. And saw this cute layout for Christmas. I immediately had to be festive and cheerful with the layout. But yes …some new direction would be prudent because her death has changed a bit of my view as a hammy mom. No longer the completely rose-tinted-glasses of a “new” hamster owner. I feel like I’ve gone through a rite of passage. Not the kid one – losing a hamster as a child and losing on as an adult for me are two different events. The change will be subtle.
For one I have been slowly but surely researching and planning ahead for a rabbit. I’m still in the “awwwww bunnies” mindset and not as serious as one needs to be to really be about to undertake rabbit-parenthood. I have awhile yet on that. I do not want to have a rabbit while we live in this small space and without a decent yard area to make an outdoor play pen (my bunny would be living inside of course but outdoor play area I feel is a MUST!) and such. But it would be nice to begin putting some focus on that a little here and there on this blog.
One day it will be “Hammy Happenings & Gerbilations …and it’s all just Rabbitacular!” …Hmm…too corny yes? I’ll have to think about that one too for awhile.